Rage is not an emotion that accompanies me most places
But it always turns up

"Why don’t you just try to be happy?"
"You don’t get it, I’ve been trying."
"Try harder!"
Your brother doesn’t get it. Your father doesn’t get it. Your new friends at college don’t get it. Sometimes you get sad, and it sucks. You would make it all go away if you could. If there was some mystical force that all you had to do was work your little brain hard enough with thoughts of sparkly rainbow dust and self confidence and your life would change instantly. But it isn’t like that. If you could choose between a bright, hopeful, optimistic life full of joy and movie-like scenes and pretty fucking lights shining all over, or the seemingly meaningless, pathetic attempt at latching on to some sort of goal or game or whatever you can create for this life to keep you going everyday because you used up all your sadness and now you’re just empty and bored, you’d pick the happy one.
And it is infuriating when people don’t get that. “Just try to be happy!”
You’re terribly sorry that your fruitless attempts at a joyful life aren’t living up to those standards others set as to what it means like to ‘try’. As if your happiness is attainable if you just watch enough Woody Allan movies or eat enough ice cream or pet enough kittens or think enough happy thoughts everyday. And if you fill your quota of happiness tasks each day, you will indefinitely receive a one way ticket to the promise land of elation.
And that makes you feel like you’re not trying hard enough to be happy. These thoughts of “try to be happy” don’t motivate you to work for something, they just debilitate your already non existent self confidence. You’re obviously not doing enough. Definitely not working hard enough. Probably never going to be enough.
And that would hurt if you had any more emotions to feel besides self hatred.